OH MY GOD. I HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT MESS IN YEARS.

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT IT I TOTALLY THOUGHT IT WAS WICKED AWESOME, LIKE, ACTUALLY USING ATOMIC ENERGY TO PROPEL WHAT WAS IN EFFECT A ROCKET, WHICH WOULD OBVIOUSLY LEAD TO NUCLEAR “GREEN HILLS OF EARTH” JETS. WITHOUT ALL THAT PUSHER PLATE SHIT THAT I COULD NEVER REALLY SEE REACHING PRODUCTION.

THEN I LEARNED A BIT ABOUT HOW NUCLEAR REACTORS ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, WORK.

WHAT WITH THE WHOLE ‘LETHAL’ ANGLE. AND EVERYTHING.

YEAH. FUCK, EVEN TO TEST THE TORY REACTOR THEY HAD TO RUN LIKE, WHAT, A COUPLE MILES OF TRACK FROM THE TEST SITE TO WHERE THEY’D DISMANTLE IT VIA FUCKING REMOTE CONTROL AFTERWARD. OK, SURE, THE REACTOR DESIGN WAS KIND OF NIFTY, ALL THOSE HOLLOW CERAMIC FUEL ELEMENTS, BUT THE S.L.A.M. WAS SLOW AS FUCK COMPARED TO ATLAS AND TITAN.

IT WAS SuPPOSED TO BE. LIKE AN uNMANNED BOMBER. RIGHT? THEY’D LAuNCH IT WITH THE BOOSTER ROCKET THINGYS. uNTIL IT GOT uP TO RAMJET SPEED. THEN OFF IT WOuLD MERRILY GO. SPEWING CONTAMINATION FROM ITS TOTALLY uNSHIELDED REACTOR CORE.

IN ESSENCE, YEAH. IT COULD CARRY A WHOLE BUNCH OF WARHEADS, AND SORT OF WANDER ALONG A THOUSAND FEET ABOVE RUSSIA SPRINKLING THEM ON CITIES AS IT WENT. THEN WHEN IT WAS ALL DONE, IT’D GO COMMIT SUICIDE IN THE OCEAN. WHAT ENVIRONMENTAL RESPONSIBILITY? IT WAS THE SIXTIES.

ACTuALLY. IN TERMS OF MCCARTHYISM. IT WAS SCRAPPED. CAuSE THE YANKS WERE AFRAID BuILDING IT WOuLD MAKE THE COMMIES DESIGN AND BuILD THEIR OWN.

PRETTY MUCH. OH SHIT, THE RUSSIANS JUST SENT US A GIANT FLYING RADIOACTIVE DICK-SHAPED DEATH ROCKET WITH A BUNCH OF WARHEADS ON BOARD, LET’S ALL DUCK, COVER, AND KISS OUR ASSES GOODBYE.

THE IDEA WAS PRETTY COOL. I MEAN. IN TERMS OF SIMPLICITY. YOu uSED A SIDE EFFECT OF NuCLEAR FISSION—THE PRODuCTION OF STuPID AMOuNTS OF HEAT—TO MAKE AIR EXPAND INSIDE A RAMJET. THuS PuSHING THE MISSILE FORWARD. PER THE BASIC LAWS OF PHYSICS.

YEAH. THE CORE CONSISTED OF THESE PRETTY NIFTY HOLLOW HEXAGONAL CERAMIC RODS THAT AIR COULD PASS THROUGH AND GET SUPERHEATED. I’M ASSUMING THERE WAS A CENTRAL CONTROL ROD OR SOMETHING BECAUSE OTHERWISE HAHA WHAT THE FUCK.

SHIT WAS STILL WAY SLOW. COMPARED TO CONVENTIONAL ROCKET PROPuLSION. YOu COuLD SEE THIS THING COMING. AND HEAR IT. SONIC FuCKING BOOM. YOu MIGHT NOT HAVE TIME TO ESCAPE NuCLEAR DEATH. BuT YOu SuRE AS FuCK COuLD PuSH THE BuTTONS TO SEND A BuNCH OF NuKES BACK AT THE KREMLIN. BEFORE YOu BECAME PART OF A GLASSY CRATER IN THE EARTH.

MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION, MAN. SOMETIMES I FUCKING WONDER HOW THE HUMAN RACE SURVIVED THAT PARTICULAR ERA.

SCOTCH AND CIGARETTES. OBVIOuSLY.

DON’T MIND IF I DO.

RuSSIA SAYS: FuCK YOuR HOVERCRAFT.

HA. COUPLE REASONS: WHILE GROUND-EFFECT VEHICLES ARE SHINY AS FUCK IN THEORY, IN PRACTICE THEY HAVE ALL THE PROBLEMS REGULAR OLD SEAPLANES HAVE, PLUS A BUNCH OF EXTRA DESIGN WRINKLES REGARDING THE SHAPE OF THE HULL. NOT COST-EFFECTIVE.

YOu TRY DESIGNING SOMETHING. THAT IS STuRDY ENOuGH TO MANAGE TAKEOFF AND LANDING ON WATER. BuT FLEXIBLE ENOuGH TO BREAK THE SuCTION OF THAT WATER. WHILE MAINTAINING LONGITuDINAL STABILITY. AND MINIMIZING DRAG. ALSO SPRAY.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT GEVS IS THAT ONCE YOU GET PAST THE DESIGN ISSUES AND BUILD THE DAMN THING, THEY’RE MORE EFFICIENT THAN REGULAR PLANES BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO USE LESS FUEL, RELYING ON THE GROUND EFFECT TO INCREASE LIFT. BASICALLY, GROUND EFFECT JUST MEANS THAT THE WAKE VORTICES THAT NORMALLY FORM OFF PLANE WINGS AND CREATE DRAG DON’T GET A CHANCE TO FORM BECAUSE THERE’S THE GROUND—OR WATER—IN THE WAY. GEVS LIKE THE EKRANOPLAN SKIM ALONG JUST OVER THE WATER, HAVING HIJACKED PHYSICS.

LAuGHING WILDLY AND GIVING SuRFACE VESSELS THE FINGER.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO COST-EFFECTIVENESS, REALLY. ANYTHING THAT HAS TO TAKE OFF AND LAND ON WATER IS GOING TO BE OUT OF SERVICE ANY TIME THE WEATHER GETS SHITTY, WHETHER OR NOT FLYING CONDITIONS ARE OTHERWISE GOOD. GEVS ARE VERY SPECIALIZED MACHINES.

I HEAR WHERE IRAN IS uSING THEM FOR SPYING.

YEAH, THEY’RE STILL AROUND. JUST NEVER MADE IT MAINSTREAM.

ALSO THEY LOOK GOOFY. WITH THE SHORT STuBBY WINGS. AND FORWARD MOuNTED ENGINES.

THAT TOO.

GOOD QUESTION.

TWO FACTORS: ONE, THE WEIGHT OF WATER PRESSING DOWN ON THE HOLE. I DON’T HAVE THE FIGURES IN MY BRAIN OR AT MY FINGERTIPS, BUT EVEN A SHALLOW LAKE LIKE PEIGNEUR-AS-WAS, AT 10 FEET DEEP, OFFERED SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER PRESSURE ON THE LAKEBED THAN AT THE WATER’S SURFACE. IF YOU’VE EVER GONE SWIMMING IN A POOL WITH A REALLY DEEP DEEP-END AND TRIED TO DIVE DOWN TO PICK SOMETHING OFF THE BOTTOM, YOU’LL HAVE FELT THE DIFFERENCE PUSHING ON YOUR EARDRUMS.

TWO: THE HOLE PUNCHED RIGHT INTO A SALT MINE. IF IT HAD ENTERED, SAY, A COPPER, LEAD, TIN, GOLD, ANY KIND OF METAL OR GEM MINE, THE WATER WOULD HAVE RUSHED IN UNDER THE FORCE OF THE PRESSURE I JUST MENTIONED. BUT BECAUSE IT WAS SALT, THE MINE ROOF AND WALLS THEMSELVES DISSOLVED UNDER THE ONCOMING WATER. THE GAP IN THE ROOF OF THE MINE WOULD HAVE WIDENED RAPIDLY, ALLOWING MUCH MORE WATER IN, AND THAT WOULD HAVE IN TURN DISSOLVED MORE OF THE SALT.

ONCE THE MINE WAS PIERCED, DISASTER WAS PRETTY MUCH INEVITABLE. I MEAN, OK, MAYBE IF THEY’D HAD FIFTY OR SO GALLONS OF LIQUID NITROGEN AT HAND THEY MIGHT’VE FROZEN THE LEAK, BUT I WOULDN’T COUNT ON THAT WORKING, OR EVEN LASTING VERY LONG.

PEIGNEuR WAS A PERFECT EXAMPLE. OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOu DON’T CARRY THE THREE.

ALSO AN EXAMPLE OF THE INADVERTENT FUCKING HORRIBLE HILARITY OF NATURE.

SO GUESS WHAT I WAS ABSENTLY PERUSING WHILE I WAITED FOR YOUR DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A DISHWASHER TO FINISH THE RINSE CYCLE.

OH GOD. NOT THE “SuN.” I THOuGHT YOu KNEW BETTER.

NO, NO. I KNOW KATE MIDDLETON IS HAVING A REPTILOID. THAT CAME AS NO SURPRISE.

NO, I REFER RATHER TO THE OLD FLIGHT 587 REPORT. SAW SOMETHING ON THE LISTSERV LAST WEEK ABOUT AIRBUS RUDDER FUCKUPPERY.

OH NO. NOT THIS AGAIN.

YES THIS AGAIN. THIS IN FACT MADE ME SMILE FOR ABOUT A MINUTE AND A HALF STRAIGHT, WHICH FOR ME IS PROBABLY A FUCKING RECORD.

THAT WAS PILOT INPuT. AND YOu KNOW IT.

I KNOW NOTHING OF THE KIND. NOW OKAY, FINE, SURE, AMERICAN AIRLINES IS NOT EXACTLY A SHINING BEACON OF BRILLIANCE, BUT THE APA SAID FLAT OUT THAT THE GODDAMN AIRBUS 300 RUDDER SYSTEM’S SENSITIVITY WAS A MAJOR CONTRIBUTOR. AND THAT THERE HAD BEEN A BUNCH OF PREVIOUS INCIDENTS IN WHICH A300 RUDDERS NEARLY GOT BROKE TO SHIT.

WHAT. ARE YOu GETTING AT.

YOU WILL FORGIVE MY GLEE, CAUSE IT’S TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE 737 RUDDER CASES WAS PARKER FUCKING HANNIFIN’S SERVO VALVE, NOT THE INHERENT DESIGN OF THE AIRPLANE. IN THIS CASE, AIRBUS DESIGNED ITS STUPID GODDAMN TAIL TO DO THIS AND CAN’T FOB THAT OFF ON A SECONDARY MANUFACTURER. SHITTY DESIGN, NOT SHITTY COMPONENT.

…YOu’RE GOING TO BE CROWING OVER THIS. FOR FuCKING MONTHS. AREN’T YOu. EVEN THOuGH WE BOTH KNEW IT ALREADY.

YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT. NOW GO GET ME A DRINK, AIRBUS FANBOY.

I’M GOING TO GET YOu FOR THAT. WHEN YOu LEAST EXPECT IT.

GIN AND TONIC. EASY ON THE TONIC.

JAWOHL, FuCKFACE. JAWOHL.

TOTAL AND COMPLETE ANTICLIMAX. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT. THAT KARKAT SHRIEKED LIKE A SAFETY WHISTLE. AND FLED THE ROOM.

I DID NOT. I MAY HAVE YELPED IN A STARTLED FASHION.

THAT IS AN INTERESTING WAY. OF SPELLING “SCREAMED AND RAN.”

YOU GODDAMN BRITS SPELL THINGS WRONG ANYHOW.

ANYWAY. AFTER HE GOT OVER HIS INITIAL FLAILING TERROR. WE AGREED THAT A LARGER THAN LIFE SIZE. HIGHLY DETAILED. GIANT HISSING COCKROACH. EXQuISITELY CARVED FROM SOME RARE MALAYSIAN TREE. WAS JuST WHAT THE LIVING ROOM NEEDED.

I CALL HIM “DENNIS,” AFTER A FORMER SUPERVISOR OF MINE WITH WHOM HE SHARES A NUMBER OF CHARACTERISTICS.

WHAT AIRLINE. ARE YOu FLYING. IS IT uNITED.

PFF, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL ALL THE DOMESTICS SUCK MORE OR LESS EQUALLY THESE DAYS. THEY’RE ALL MERGING TOGETHER ANYHOW, US AIRWAYS, DELTA, UNITED, WHATEVER. SOUTHWEST ATE AIRTRAN LAST YEAR.

HAHAHA. VALuJET DONE MADE GOOD.

BUT ANYWAY, “HYDRAULIC” COVERS A GOOD THIRD OF THE WHOLE GODDAMN AIRCRAFT, IT COULD BE ANYTHING. IF IT’S JUST AN ACCESS PANEL THAT ISN’T CLOSING PROPERLY, NO BIG.

NOTHING YOu CAN DO ABOuT IT. YOu MIGHT AS WELL RELY ON THE FACT. THAT THE PILOT IS ALSO RISKING THEIR NECK. IF THEY THINK IT’S SAFE. IT PROBABLY IS.

PROBABLY.

HEY KARKAT.

GUESS WHAT THE FAA JuST DID.

I’M NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS, AM I.

THE FAA. JuST GROuNDED. ALL u.S. REGISTERED. BOEING 787S. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

BECAuSE OF THAT SPECIAL FEATuRE. WHERE THE BATTERIES BuRST INTO FLAME.

I THOuGHT YOu’D WANT TO KNOW.

GOD DAMN IT THE DREAMLINER IS A GOOD PLANE. IT IS! IT JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE BATTERY PROBLEMS.

AND ENGINE CRACKS. AND LEAK PROBLEMS. AND WINDOW PROBLEMS.

SHUT UP I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT

IT’S SAD. WHEN A FANBOY CAN’T FACE REALITY.

I’M GOING INTO A DECLINE, ASSHOLE. THIS IS ME, DECLINING. IT’S YOUR FAULT.

SHOuLD I BEAR YOu. TO THE FAINTING COuCH.

AND MAKE IT SNAPPY.

I WOULD, ONLY I NEED A OUIJA BOARD.

WE COuLD SHARE IT. ‘DEAR MOTHER(S) AND FATHER(S): WE GOT HITCHED. YOuRS SINCERELY, uS.’

MY MOTHER WOULD SQUEAK.

MINE WOuLD WRITE uS A LONG RAMBLING LETTER. ALL ABOuT HOW THE uNIVERSE IS HARMONIOuS. AND THE SPIRITS OF LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS ARE WITH uS. AND ENCLOSE A SPRIG OF HEATHER OR SOMETHING.

AWWW. THAT’S KIND OF ADORABLE, ACTUALLY.

YOu SPEAK AS ONE WHO DID NOT GET NAMED AFTER KING ARTHuR’S LEGENDARY SWORD.

IT’S STILL ADORABLE. HIPPIE PARENTS ARE ALWAYS ADORABLE TO EVERYONE BUT THEIR KIDS.

I DID SEND A NOTE TO MY COUSIN, KANKRI’s DOTING MOTHER, WHO REPLIED WITH A SOMEWHAT TERSE CONGRATULATORY EMAIL. I THINK SHE THINKS I’M A BAD INFLUENCE.

SHE’S DEAD RIGHT.

SHHH, I’M NOT THE ONE WHO TAUGHT HIM TO PUT ON MAKEUP, PIPPIN GALADRIEL MOONCHILD. WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT, ANYWAY?

SOME SECRETS I WILL TAKE TO MY GRAVE.

OH DEAR. THE INTERNET IS ASKING ME STRANGELY SPECIFIC QuESTIONS AGAIN. KARKAT. HELP.

NOPE, IT’S YOUR TURN TO ANSWER THE ASKBLOG. I’M BUSY.

YOu’RE WATCHING OLD CIVIL DEFENSE FILMS. ON YOuTuBE.

YEAH, SEE? BUSY.

uGH. SEE IF I BRING YOu ANY MORE INAPPROPRIATE FERTILITY GOD IDOLS.

I DON’T DO LOLLIPOPS IN GENERAL. BEING ABOVE THE AGE OF TEN. AND NOT EMPLOYED TO BAT MY EYELASHES AT PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR FASHION RAG EDITORIALS. INTENDED TO SHOW A DEWY YET NAuGHTY FAuX-INNOCENCE.

HOWEVER. YOuR STANDARD BOILED SWEET IS ACCEPTABLE TO ME. AND IF I ENCOuNTERED A CHERRY-FLAVOuRED SWEET. I WOuLD NOT HESITATE TO MAKE ITS CLOSER ACQuAINTANCE.

GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT CALLIOPE LIKES. CHOCOLATE-COVERED TERMITES, PERHAPS. SHE DID LIKE PRETEND-LIME-FLAVOuRED JELLY WHEN WE WERE LITTLE. I REMEMBER BECAuSE I ONCE uPENDED A BOWL OF IT ON HER HEAD.

GOD, YOUR FAMILY REMINISCENCES JUST CHOKE ME UP, MAN. SO FUCKING TENDER.